blog # 4 Living Book: The book of Idoicyncracies, Oxymorons, and Misunderstandings.

Before I was born, my father kicked my mother in the stomach so hard that she that she flew into the Christmas tree.  Long before that his mother approached my mother and told her to have an abortion.  I was born February 2, 1967 after 73 long hours of labor.  At the age of 4, I had already moved around so much due to the misguidedness of my father, but by the time I was 5 he decided it was time to settle down, so me my little sister, my three older brothers and my mom nestled in a 2 bedroom 1 bath house.  That is where all my troubles began.  I was first molested by the neighbor's Uncle.  When I told my Mom she told my Dad, who then told my Uncles, and they walked me back down to the guy to confront him.  My Dad took out his knife and stuck it to his gut and said that if he ever touched me again he would kill him.  I kept thinking to myself, "kill em now, kill em now.  A few month's later, I was spending the night at my best friend's house like I always did when I woke up to her dad molesting me.  I pretending to be asleep and rolled closer to my friend.  The next day, I told my Mom.  I was told that I was never to go over there ever again.  I thought something was wrong with me.  As the years past guys would try to trap me and take advantage of me, and I never knew how to handle it.  One day I just became a fighter.  A fighter for everything.
In 1995 I lost my daughter.  I wanted the world to come to an end.  But it didn't.  I had to go on.  I walked away from my husband due to his cheating ways.  Lost my one and only car.  I had two jobs that I was working, when I quit one for harassment, then the other let me go without cause, and 3 mouths to feed.    I nearly lost my home, had to sell that at a short sale, and nowhere to go.  I found places here and there, till I finally found another job and a place to rent.  turns out the place I was renting had been foreclosed on and I was paying the defunked owner 700.00 a month for a house she didn't even own.  I was told by the bank that I had 30 days to vacate the property.   Luckily (yeah okay) I was dating someone who offered his home to me and my boys. He had friends living with him at the time who pilfered through my things taking what they wanted before they moved out.
in 2001 I move to AZ.  I met what I thought was my first true love as an adult woman.  He ends up being a closet Methhead.   He beats me and my teenage sons, he nearly killed me at one point, choking the breath out of me while he sat upon my stomach which I had just had surgery on.  The whole time all I wanted to do was help him get off the drugs I believed were the reason behind why he was acting the way he did.  It took me 3.5 years and the loss of my sons and their respect to realize you can't help someone who doesn't want the help.  And no matter how much love you think you've got invested, it isn't worth losing the love you already had.  I was wrong to think that my love for my sons had a foundation to which could survive anything, or anyone. 

I finally find a good place in my life, a good home, a good man, and happiness.  It isn't perfect, but it is the best thing that I have ever had in my life.  I have a little boy whom I enjoy immensely.  I just wish things were different with my three older boys. 
 
There is something about me that either inspires people, infuriates people, or just makes them down right want to rip me to shreds, and I do not know why.
I am who I am, and I will not apologize for that.  I am my own living book, and I am the only copy.  Everyone has had a piece of me and I am still here.  I am still here damn it.  Despite all your rips and tears, and put downs, and anything else you try and do to me.  I am still here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You can't have the part of me that you want so bad.  No one can.  It's not yours.  It's mine.  My strength.  My courage.  My wisdom.  My pride.  My spirit.  Me!!  I cannot be broken.

Blog #3 What I believe

I believe in the Lord Our God, the son of God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.  I have faith that they exist, and they are one.  Not because I have seen with my eyes, but because my soul knows that there is an infinite wisdom that my heart desires, and knows that I was created in the image of a greater being.  Trusting and having faith in someone who is not there.  To have faith in someone you cannot see nor hear, nor have never met.  To know that you are one with God because he loves you, and loves you so much that he gave his only son for you.  To feel that no matter what happens in this world, someone and something, awaits you and it's far better than you can ever imagine.  That is what I believe in.  I believe in my Father.  The creator of Heaven and Earth, of all that is seen and unseen.  He is my power and my light.  Without him I am nothing.
I have been through many hard times in my life, and he has seen me through it all.  I cannot imagine ever walking away from God, or not accepting Jesus as my savior.   He does exist. 
God is not Religion.  God just Is.  God is in your heart, he is in your words, and he is in your actions.  God is everywhere.  The catch is, you have to want him to be in your life.  You have to welcome him.  He wants you to want him.  He wants you to believe.  "In as much as a mustard seed".  All it takes is to ask him into your life and to believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, and ask God to bring the Holy Spirit into your heart, and you are born again into the Lord.  Give your life to God.  It is that simple.
I believe this to be true, and no one, but no one will ever take my beliefs away from me.  There is nothing anyone can say to disprove that my God and Father exists, nor that Jesus Christ is his son.  I don't have to prove they exist to know they exist.  That's what faith is all about.
There is no amount of "Critical Thinking" that can argue any fact to a believer that Jesus Christ is the son of God and that the Son and God are one.   It is not something that you are taught, it is something that you come to believe is true, whether at a young age (all your life) or as an adult. 
However, Religion is totally up for grabs.  There are so many views who to say who or which is right?  I grew up Catholic.  The Catholic's say that they are the "True" religion.  Yet they have two kinds of sin.  Mortal (at one time meant unforgivable) and Venial (forgivable).  Now if you read the Bible, the Bible states that Jesus died for all sins, so how can one sin be more sinful than another?  Also, the Bible states that you should not have worship any Gods but God himself, and yet they pray to Saints.  Now I am not one to say they are wrong, but they were not right for me, and I walked away.  I have entered Baptist, Mormon, Christian, Pentecostal, Presbyterian, Jehovah's Witness and Lutheran Churches just to say that I know a little about all of them.  Thing is, religion to me is an organization that I would rather not belong to.  I would hate to follow one and come to the end of my life to find that I was doing it all wrong.
Every once in a while you might find me in Services, because I like to get in touch with the Holy Spirit in me, so don't DAMN me for it when you see me singing to the Heavens along with everyone else.  Singing ain't never hurt nobody.